Imperfections Monday, 21 May 2012 / 01:20
I feel unworthy right now.
You know the feeling when others love you so dearly yet you cannot bring yourself to love yourself?
I'm flawed, extremely.
So don't tell me you love me,
It simply builds on to my insecurities;
And my doubts of people.
I'm sorry for not trusting.
I just don't see any beauty in me, not even internally.
I have an ugly heart.
I think of evil things at times and;
I cannot stop intruding into people's mind just so becus I am curious how it works.
I'm sorry for being scary.
I'm sorry for being demanding.
I'm sorry for being all that I am right now.
The mistakes I’ve made are dead to me but I can’t take back the things I never did Saturday, 12 May 2012 / 02:52
"You didn't had to cut me off, make it like never happened and we were nothing. "
Now you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough.
It was never a choice. Disaster chose us. Us.
Like candles, they eventually burn off and;
eventually melt to become nothing.
In my eyes at least, we were everything.
Now we're nothing.
In my eyes at least, they were joyous moments of my life.
Now we're nothing.
In my eyes at least, we genuinely cared.
But. Now we're nothing.
"Friendships are about timing."
You said it was God's will,
you said it was my karma.
No, it's nothing like that.
If I we hadn't met last season,
we wouldn't have been friends.
If we hadn't met when I was in affliction,
we wouldn't have been friends.
If we hadn't met and talked,
we wouldn't have been friends.
"Why must the ones we love bring us the greatest pain?"
Pain is somewhat self- inflicted,
because what we do have consequences.
What I've done, what I've said though heedless,
have all brought me unsought torment.
Although I tried to spurn them,
at the end of the day it's still there
-vivid and theatrical.
Because putting excess love, faith and trust in people,
you're already bestowing them powers to stir you.
Your emotions. Your soul.
"Looking past imperfections is a no- no."
Rather have the truths than to be dismantled later on.
Listen to what others have to say about yourself,
they see the best. They judge the best too.
Change. Change because you're imperfect,
not because of anything else.
I am not perfect,
I seek perfection.
"Today forget your past, forgive yourself and begin again."
I've learnt my lesson.
This is a caveat,
make known to me that I should not try too hard.
People come and go,
it's not that all will do so,
but it's rare that somebody makes equal effort to stay.
Keep the faith, and wait patiently.
No matter how much we wish they were,
some things are just never meant to be.
"Friendship sinks when they have too many passengers."
I have painstakingly comprehended it.
Expect the unexpected Sunday, 6 May 2012 / 01:44
"Keep your eye, eyes open
Everybody's waiting
For you to breakdown
Everybody's watching
To see the fallout
Even when you're sleeping"
- Eyes open, Taylor Swift.
I'm in the midst of MYE, which I think I will not score well.. Yeap. I'm giving it my all to the last min revisions. After the exams, it's palpable what I have to do. Study. Study really hard. I hope I still have the time to, though.
So, life's great. I fell in love with Stacy Lee. And I got closer to Sharon Lee. Somewhat now it's not going all smooth but.. Yeah. If it's meant to be, then the friendship will prevail. I've tried my best and also gave my best. Of course I'd be really sad of it ends, but yeah. I can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on. I love her too much to pull her down. I shown too much of my emotions. I entrusted too much in her.
If you follow my twitter (@KaylinAlexia), you'd know I'm really affected. No, I'm not gaining pity neither, in any way, popularity but just simply expressing my thoughts and comments about the friendship. I don't know what I've done to receive such unjust treatments.. Really. I just wanna love these girls of mine. June, Yen Ping, Joey, Belicia, Sharon, and Stacy. I don't know what's wrong. Wait, maybe I do. I'm always in the wrong, always. I've lost Nabila. I don't wanna bear the pain all over again.
No matter how much I've done, what I've done, how much effort I put into friendships.. None goes smooth. I'm always the one who brings grieve, and the one who grieves. Damn. There may be something wrong somewhere but I don't seem to be able to identify it.
Hunny taught me many. I listen to them, I comprehend them but I don't seem to be able to act them out. It's almost impossible to let the matter down. Not becos I bear grudges, but becos I care. I care too much.
Cj texted me. He told me to cheer up, he told me to get over it and move on. I know I should. Anyways, to me, Cj don't seem to get affected by anything. Really nothing. Hahaha, one weird fella. But he's cute. He didn't even know why happen, he just went "Get over it. Move on." Haha this cool pig. Oh well.. Back to it.
I really don't know. I'm confused. Raymond, where are you? I need your words of comfort so much. Are you leaving too? You promised you'd stay. Have you forgotten what you've promised? Have you forgot that I said you're not allowed to leave until I said so? You fat liar.
Life's unpredictable, no? One moment you can be so happy with this person, the next time you check, the person already turn her or his back on you. Oxymoronic. I'm no saint. I might treat everyone differently, I may give love to everyone unequally but to the girls, I give love all equally. I want to see them at their best.. I love them so much..
Then the other side of me says I shouldn't care so much when I get nothing but hurt in return. Darn. I shouldn't. I can't. I should appreciate them rather than what they've done for me. Yes.. I should be more forgiveingz I can't always be wanting affirmation. I can't always be wanting.
Okay. I have so much to write but no. I can't express them in words. Sigh. Girls, even though I'm younger than most of you, I treat you all like my younger sister. I love you babies. I really do. Be happy, all of you.
You and your white horse to come around Saturday, 21 April 2012 / 03:31
20th April 2012, 11.34pm.
Haven't been updating this space lately. Too lazy to do so. I don't have much time anyway. Sleep>Sch>Sleep>Study>Sleep, I call it the s routine.
Started attending church one week before Good Friday. It's great there. I was convinced to resolute letting go of what I've been holding on for the past few years. He's gone now. He's gone forever.
Before I got those sorted out, I had a eyecandy. A minor crush I guess. No. I wasn't being bitchy in anyway, neither was I fickle minded. The feelings are just leftovers of what ended last year. I couldn't let go.
This eyecandy.. Hmm. Apart from myself, no one else whom I know, thinks he is super handsome+cute. I don't get why! It's nothing about the looks. It'll be easy to go search for a guy that is more handsome than him. For some reasons, I just like him ah.
But I'm really gon get tired of initiating the convo. Oh baby, why can't you be the one to start talking to me?? I'd love to spend time and effort on you. ;(
Bought Lemon Honey for him today but ended up I drank it all. Meow. It was our chance to talk. Damn it. You lied you idiot. You said you'd come over. As much as I want to be mad at you, I couldn't. The disappointment was overwhelming. Went googa after that. Hahahahaha. Don't mind me.
I don't want to be like the past. Always rushing into things, people change, then get hurt. It becomes a vicious cycle. I want to really know you. See the side he have never shown to others,
-- 21st April 2012, 10.09am.
I fell asleep. Oh noooo.
(cont) I want us to feel comfortable with each other. Then of course, if we do not work out.. I wish we are still friends. It's such a waste if we're not friends because we're not lovers. Right?
Do I seem desperate? I'm sure I'm not, but in other's point of view.. I don't know. There's a actually big difference between "striving for what you want" and "desperate for what you want", it's just not obvious to some. One's never giving up, the other is insistence.
Either way, I can't change how people think. I can't stop them from judging. I can't stop them from talking shit. I only acknowledge God to judge me and I know He will love me anyways.
Closing off that issue.. MYE is round the corner. I've yet to start revising. Feels like I've slacken in my revision when I'm actually attending remedials and taking class tests almost everyday. Is this how it should be like in Sec 4? Everything's in a rush.. So tiring to live a Sec 4 student's life.
Papers are on in 2 weeks time, and practicals are next week. I should really get down to studying and not go out anymore. Although it'd be tiring, I hafta do so. Tchers gonna band the class according to their abilities using MYE results.. I hope I'll be with the better group of people of course. Motivation, pls come to me.
Lastly, I just wanna tell whoever is reading this: I love my crazy girls a lot. And babies, thank you for being by my side despite my many flaws. You girls are the best. Let's have a slumber party soon! Woohoo!!! (thought of it hit me so suddenly)
I'm so sorry if I sound negative. I'm not ok. I'm happy now. With whatever I have. :-))))
Never leave my heart open Friday, 30 March 2012 / 21:29
I felt my heart crushing and falling apart at that moment. Inside my tears I'll drown. I know that's it's no more.
Unknown sorrow Wednesday, 28 March 2012 / 18:42
I just don't know where the pain and sorrows come from. Sigh
The future Tuesday, 20 March 2012 / 23:40
Short random post!
If I ever survive through my teenage life, grow mature and work then finally settling down..
I'd want a husband who NEVER gambles. Gambling addicts are disgusting. After watching Show Hand, I finally know what gambling does to one. Seeing all the scenarios, can't imagine that happening in real life. I think I'd be depressed than ever if I'm born in such a family. 8'( I don't want a family like that, I don't want my future kids to go through such an ordeal too. It will mean I'm a failure. I failed to provide a basic home for my kid.
To my future husband:
Please work hard for our family and never ever touch gambling!! I'll love you for eternity, whoever- you- are hubby. Muax.
When crying no longer helps Thursday, 15 March 2012 / 01:42
First my tears helped to relieve the pain I had in my heart. I cried so often. I cried my pain out.
Slowly, crying became a daily routine. Then crying became nothing. It no longer relieve pain.
Now my mind goes blank, the tears start flowing yet no emotions seem to even leak.
I only wonder if these tears will ever dry up. You're the one to blame.
EVER SINCE YOU LEFT / 01:33
